Original Title: “I Accidentally Went on a Date With a Meth Head”
He picked me up in a giant, gas-guzzling black Suburban with tinted windows. I’ve been conditioned to believe that all guys with big trucks are trying to compensate for something, so naturally I gave a bit of side eye to the whole situation. I didn’t ask a lot of questions and let him do all the talking. He was cute and even looked like Jesse Pinkman…
Because life is an act of balancing forces, 2013 also brought us a bunch of seriously wtf moments… These are just some of them:
This song was almost impossible to escape throughout most of the summer. DJs across America and parts of Europe literally could not have one night without this song on their set. People loved it. It was catchy as hell and had Pharrell going “hey hey hey” in it. The music video dropped at some point and was supposed to resemble a trendy Terry Richardson photo shoot. Terry is notorious for having girls get naked for him and show lots of tit, so the video had three models showing some tit. Long story short, America totally FREAKED THE F OUT when this happened. Feminist groups condemned Thicke for objectifying women and promoting rape. Because he’s the very first male ever to objectify women in the music industry and clearly has a rape agenda. Also because models posing in the nude is absolutely unheard of and totally out of control. Let’s watch the video and refresh our memories…
Ahh, yes. I remember now. It was the lyrics. The “I know you want it” part. As it turns out women don’t always want the D. Some of them want the V. Some of them only want the D when THEY want the D and not when men want their D’s wanted. In other words, just because you have a D doesn’t mean someone will want it 24/7. This means that No means No. This also means that you shouldn’t just send unsolicited pictures of your D and expect attention, you thirsty boy. Unless the words “I want the D” are said, it should be safe to assume that she or he ain’t asking for it.
This was obviously some sort of sick, perverted joke. There is just no way in hell this is happening. T’was the night before Christmas and all the children were asleep, waiting for white Santa to come down their chimney and deliver Gold iPhone 5Ss and Xbox Ones (not PS4s tho). It was a day like any other in the Twitterverse when all of a sudden Justin Bieber posted the following tweet:
His new album, Journals, had literally just dropped and his movie was going to premier the next day. This tweet obvs made no sense whatsoever. “Justin’s not retiring lol this can’t actually happen” @LOHANTHONY said. And he was absolutely right. Justin cannot leave us just like that. I believe his manager stepped in and confirmed that Justin’s tweet meant that he was just going on hiatus for a lil bit. I know. We’re all still really sad about this news. In the meantime, though, we have a movie to watch!
This was a very sad sad moment in pop culture. It’s one thing to write about all the crazy shit that Miley and Kanye West are doing on stage because what they’re doing is controlled chaos, but it’s a whole other thing to write about the “crazy” shit Amanda Bynes was doing offstage simply because what she was doing wasn’t planned. It was actually a public cry for help. What happens with celebrity culture is that we totally forget that our favorite idols are also human beings with personal lives. The media sort of just likes to mix work and personal matters into one easy-to-digest endless stream of gossip and half-news. It gets to a point where people just don’t know when to stop. It’s been a few months now that Amanda has been completely off the radar. She was officially 5150’d and put under custody until she got better. I read she’s looking into colleges now. No more daydreaming of becoming a rapper. Here’s a video of some drag queens tryna get cute and throw a little bit of shade at Amanda just for the sake of attention and a few laughs from sassy gays.
This is probably the one event in American history that not even the best writers the GOP can buy will be able to alter on any academic textbook henceforth. There is just no way any of us millennials is going to forget the day America shut down because a bunch of old rich dudes in Congress could not come to an agreement and DO THEIR DAMN JOB. And they call us lazy and entitled. HA! Nice one, American boomers in Congress. Thanks for making it publicly known that you don’t know how to run our country. Now would you please stop pretending that universal healthcare is evil? It helps people stay healthy and alive! Don’t you want the people you serve, that pay your wages, to stay healthy and alive? You don’t? Oh…
I’m pretty sure this scandal made one of my best friends quit PR. I’m not even joking. I mean, how could you believe in PR after this? After the BP scandal? We live in a world of liars and bigots! I don’t personally know Paula Deen and tbh I’ve never seen any of her cooking shows or anything like that. We all know who she is because there is enough money behind her and that’s pretty much it. Some of us like to eat healthy and don’t want to die at age 30 bc of high cholesterol. But we’re here to talk about Paula using the N-word, not butter. It was kind of a big deal because she also wanted to throw a party and have black servants. Also it’s 2013. Of course she’s got a lot of support behind her. Some people say she’s being crucified. Because, you know, she is like the Christ in the sense that she feeds people, and gluttony is not a sin in this country. She actually lost a bunch of gigs because of this, but her money is still intact. I don’t personally feel bad for her. Do you? I mean she apologized… look at her!
And he has plenty to eat at home… This is the mayor of Toronto.
I do not live in Canada, and I did not know who this person was before the media decided to publicly ridicule him. The whole story is just so bizarre because the guy seems to be some sort of local hero in Justin Bieberland. To my knowledge, he still has not been sanctioned or faced any sort of disciplinary measures. Man, if he was anything but white (and in America) you best believe his ass would be out of power and in jail by now. Gone. Adios con los crackheads! We can’t have druggies running the world. We simply can’t! What’s happening here, Canada?!
The Harlem Shake: They say you shouldn’t spend a lot of time and energy on things that upset you and don’t elevate you as a person. I really tried to do this when the Harlem Shake came out. I really did. I’d mock it, make fun of people who were into it, and I would unfollow/unfriend anyone who posted it or reenacted it. There was no escaping it. The ubiquitousness of this Internet Meme is probably the thing that made me hate it the most. I enjoyed Azealia Banks rapping over the track and starting some drama over at Mad Decent, but I really wished this thing would just disappear from the face of the planet completely. It didn’t.
We may be a little bit closer to achieving full marriage equality in America, but there are still parts of the world where being gay can pretty much cost you your life. Valdimir Putin, the president of Russia, has instituted a ban on gay propaganda and “all public displays of homosexuality.” I’m sure that means you can’t kiss your same-sex partner in public, but I’m not sure if you can still “dress gay” or “eat gay” or “breathe gay.” But you wanna know what’s truly awesome about the president of Russia? He was nominated for a Nobel Peace Price this year.
Back in US soil, we have that Duck Dynasty guy to deal with. He said some pretty messed up things about homosexuals and the lives of black people during the Jim Crow Laws era. He got suspended from A&E for having said such horrible things and once again people started playing the victim game. “He’s a victim,” they said. “The poor man has done nothing wrong” said a lost soul. What about all the gay kids that get beat up and commit suicide everyday because of guys like Phil Robertson? They didn’t do anything wrong. Who are the real victims here? Phil Robertson can go back to his normal life pre-fame and shoot ducks and hate on gays all he damn wants. A&E does not owe him a platform to spread hate and misinformation!
Seriously. WTF. This guy was so young and had so much going for him that it’s kinda hard to wrap our minds around this. Is literally no one happy anymore? If fame and success doesn’t give you the ultimate high, what will? No one really knows what was going on in his personal life other than the people directly in it, so it’s easy for us to judge from afar and condemn his decision to call it quits. Overdoses are rarely accidents. Something deeper was happening and we all missed it. But how could we all miss it? He was constantly on television and magazines and Facebook feeds! Cory’s memory won’t fade away easily. His early departure from this world remind us just how fragile and uncertain life can be. He will be missed.
And while we’re on the subject of loss… Breaking Bad finally aired the last 8 episodes of Season 5. It’s over. It really is. I know what you’re thinking…
Same, Aaron Paul. Same. To be quite honest with you I did not start watching the series when it first came out. My best friend got me into it during one of those long college winter breaks that are absolutely ruined by TV hiatus. I think I watched seasons 1-3 all over the course of 3 days. Not even kidding. Eventually, I became one of those people that gets really excited to be home every Sunday night just because new Breaking Bad. But it’s gone now. There will be no more episodes. Everyone is dead. Everyone always dies. Everything good always ends. Life is so hard! At least… at least there’s this hilarious SNL sketch about the future of the meth industry. Maybe AMC will get ideas for a spinoff? Please?
Make sure you check out OMG YASSS 2013 for a list of our favorite things and moments this year!
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